No more Miss Independent....for those Kelly fans

I have this constant battle, as I am sure most people do, being too independent. What I mean is that I do so much on my own, that I forget about God. I try so hard to be a good wife, mom, youth worker, friend that I forget about God.

When I fall on my face before God, literally, and take a second to listen to his heart and get out of my own selfishness, oh how he comes to life in me, and it is so wonderful! I feel like I just can’t express the love that I have for my savior, I pray that I will someday have the words to say…or maybe I should learn to just be.

Passion of the Christ

I have felt lately that I need to watch the Passion again. I really didn't want to, but for some reason I had this urgency to watch this movie. Well I was talking to Christina T. about it and she sent it home with Shawn. I wasn't expecting her to send it. Most people say hey I will lend you this movie and forget about it. So I was home by myself last night, the girls were asleep and so I watched it. And of course cried again.
But this time I cried becuase I realized something different. The first time I watched it I had this hatred towards the people who were pursecuting Jesus. This time my heart broke for them, I saw in Jesus' eyes the love that he had.
Now everyone who has talked to my husband lately has heard him say, well Jesus loves them too.When I have told Shawn about someone who has pissed me off, or someone that really annoys me, he has said, Jesus loves them too. And I just roll my eyes. Now I am getting it.
I know we have said it in church and I have agreed, but now I really see. I really understand that God loves the unloveable, the ones that are outcast in their families, the ones that have hurt their families, the people strung out, he loves them so much that He sent Jesus, to make the ultimate sacrifice. Amazing

Tuesday: worship

Last tuesday night we talked about worship. Well earlier that night shawn really upset me so when we got to group I was still pretty pissed off. I put on a happy face at first and then someone said something that irritated me so I got angry again. So I was kind of hoping that we would have a laid back night, (not to spiritual) And what were we talking about, worship, why we worship, what helps us, what hinders us. I was thinking, great, the one night I am really fuming we are talking about virtually the most important thing as humans that we can offer God. So the entire night I was quiet I didn't say more than 2 words the whole night, and as everyone knows that is Not me. But I was listening. Thats the thing about me I can be really upset, and act like I couldn't give a lick, but really I am listening to every little thing. I think I do that just incase I stop being mad so that if I do feel like it I can jump in at any moment. Anyways, the group ended and thankfully we had someone we needed to meet so we had an excuse to leave right away. But on the car ride to where we needed to be I was just looking at the sky and it was very dark but I could see some clouds highlighted by the moonlight. And I started to cry again, (the first time was b/c I was telling shawn why I was upset) I am still not to sure why, but I just think I truely felt and saw the vastness and greatness of God. I thought to myself what I have done all night is so petty and stupid. Instead of talking, and being present in group I was holding on to anger and that couldn't be further from what God really needs, whats and is deserving of. God is so huge, he is everywhere, he can make me feel so loved, and turn every piece of anger in me into love. It sounds so cheesey but it is so true. And I love him, I just wish I could express myself the way he does.